Archives for September 2011

Confused by an Abusive Relationship?

So I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago and was sitting on it trying to decide if I should post it or not. Most of my blog posts just kind of come out of seemingly nowhere and I just pound them out as they come. With this one, on re-reading it the day after I wrote it, I thought it sounded a bit angry and cynical. For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you may recognize it as being different from what I normally write. For those of you new here, I apologize if the following post sounds harsh. Really, I’m not normally abrasive.

I have seen so many of my female clients suffering. I do not dislike men, but there are those out there that strive to have power and control over women. I am confident that none of them would be on my site and reading my blog anyway.

So all that said, here is my post about how a lot of abusive men start their relationships.

When you first meet, you are a princess to him. he says things like “I’ve never met anyone like you before”, or “I don’t deserve you”.

After somewhere from six weeks to three months, things start to change. Subtly at first. Maybe one night he goes out with his friends and ditches you without so much as a phone call and you get upset. His response is that, “this is the way I am, take it or leave it.” Or, he may say that you are controlling (with, of course, no mention of the lack of common courtesy of a phone call for standing you up).

He talks about his past girlfriends turning into bitches. Talking about what a nag she was, or that she was awful and how great you are, and how glad he is that you aren’t like her. How they had such volatile fights it was crazy. There is probably more than one woman in his past that he refers to in this way.

You start to get confused, you lose your centre of balance. You start to get upset. Maybe you have fights. He uses these as an excuse to go out with his friends even more; says its your fault, if you weren’t so miserable he’d want to spend more time with you. You begin to wonder what is so wrong with you that you can’t relax and just let things go along as they were.

You begin to question yourself. “Why am I so unhappy, he’s such a great guy and he’s with me. Why can’t I just relax and let him have some fun with his friends”. He starts to call you names. If you get upset about something he tells you that you are crazy. You suspect he’s with other women when he’s out but he says, “I love you, can’t you see that?” If you question him too much, your fights start to get a little extreme, maybe even physical. You think you are losing your mind, you love him so much, you are so connected. He gets you more than anyone else has. Why isn’t this working?

It’s not working because it will never work with him. He is controlling and he is abusive. You are mistaking what he presented to you in those first weeks with who he really is. He’s a good talker. Usually fairly handsome. He’s ‘bared his soul’ to you, told you things he’s never told to anyone else. He’s never felt this way before, nor have you.

The thing is….he does this all the time. You are NOT the first person he’s felt this with. You are NOT the first person he’s told this to. He has no idea how to have a real connection with anyone. What he DOES know how to do, is tell a woman exactly what she wants and needs to hear so that she will get hooked.

The connection you feel is often just because you are confused and stuck in ‘what was’ rather than ‘what is’. Your mind is what is connected. You are trying to make sense of things. You think he is ‘perfect’ and are trying to figure out how to get him back and make it work. The thing is, that you are not the first woman he’s done this to. There are others that are thinking and feeling the same things you are. They just came along before you. You will not be the last. He will be with another that he charms and then treats badly.

You are in love with the “potential” of the promises he made to you. Of the ideas he gave you, of the things he said. What you need to realize is that it was all a made up story in his mind. That’s it. That is where he gets his kicks. He may or may not be aware of what he’s doing, but the potential with this man is all that is ever there. He is incapable of truly feeling love. He can pretend for a little while but it goes no further than that. That’s it.

Think about it, do you really want to be hooked up with a guy that would call you those names? Really? What you really want is the guy back that he was in the beginning. I can tell you, that guy is NEVER coming back. Not for you. Only for the next unsuspecting woman that falls for him.

What message do you want to spread?

I have a couple of ladies that come to visit me every couple of weeks. The one that has been coming the longest is Judy and she is a very sweet woman. We usually end up talking for about 5 or 10 minutes and they usually leave me a copy of the Watchtower or Awake. They are Jehovah’s Witnesses and they are doing what they can to help spread their word.

Now I know a lot of people don’t like the Jehovah’s Witnesses coming to their door and they make fun of them or get mad at them. I don’t agree with everything thing they say, and its a shame that they are so fearful, but really, they are just like me and you and they are doing what they know.

We actually have some very good conversations. For the past few months they had been talking about Armageddon – a lot. I told them that each and every day is Armageddon for someone, somewhere.

Its funny, normally when they come now, I talk much more than they do. I do not preach, but they will say something and I cannot help but respond with what I know.

I talk to them a lot about spreading love not fear. I was talking of the fact that what we put out there can snowball. Last time they were here, I told them that with some of the crises going on in the world, we had an opportunity to spread love, and acknowledge all the positive loving people that are on the planet right now. It was apparent that that had not occured to them until I said it. That was not where their focus was.

I talked about what difference each of us could make. When we come into contact with someone, we can chose to interact with love or with fear/anger. Just one loving interaction with one person can change our energy for the whole day. Why don’t we chose to be the one that can assist someone to feel better? It is so easy. Say thank you to someone. Be polite when in a store, don’t rush so much and don’t be so self absorbed that you think other people’s time isn’t as important as yours. Speeding and tailgaiting while on the road can cause angst for whoever it is you just cut off. Why not just be a bit more patient, take 30 seconds more to get to where you need to go and spread that type of energy, instead of the fear energy we feel when you are driving agressively around us?

We have all had experiences where we’ve driven somewhere and by the time we got to our destination we are basket cases because of how those in other cars were acting. DON’T BE THAT PERSON IN THE OTHER CAR!!!! You will be less frazzled and the rest of us on the road will appreciate it.

But I digress. Judy left me a couple of articles to read, which I probably will if I have time. She said “Oh, you probably don’t watch the news then, I don’t”. I said quite the contrary. I told her that I did watch the news. How else could I know where my prayers are needed most? I told her that when I watch the news, I do not look at the screen with thoughts of “oh no, what a mess the world is”. I look at it and send loving and healing energy wherever it is needed. When I see how many people are trying to help I can visibly see the love that is being projected, that is where I put my focus.

I am only one person, sending one set of prayers to many different areas of the planet. However, I believe it does make a difference.

Just before Judy walked away today, I put my hand on her shoulder, and I said. Just remember, when you are going to people’s doors today, focus on the love of what is in the world, not the fear of what is out there. I hope she thinks on it and makes that decision. I know that she no longer mentions anything to me about “Armageddon or “God’s Anger”, as a matter of fact, today the scripture she shared with me talked all about God’s love, and the loving people on earth. Maybe she’s getting it…..Love is what its all about.