Confused by an Abusive Relationship?

So I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago and was sitting on it trying to decide if I should post it or not. Most of my blog posts just kind of come out of seemingly nowhere and I just pound them out as they come. With this one, on re-reading it the day after I wrote it, I thought it sounded a bit angry and cynical. For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you may recognize it as being different from what I normally write. For those of you new here, I apologize if the following post sounds harsh. Really, I’m not normally abrasive.

I have seen so many of my female clients suffering. I do not dislike men, but there are those out there that strive to have power and control over women. I am confident that none of them would be on my site and reading my blog anyway.

So all that said, here is my post about how a lot of abusive men start their relationships.

When you first meet, you are a princess to him. he says things like “I’ve never met anyone like you before”, or “I don’t deserve you”.

After somewhere from six weeks to three months, things start to change. Subtly at first. Maybe one night he goes out with his friends and ditches you without so much as a phone call and you get upset. His response is that, “this is the way I am, take it or leave it.” Or, he may say that you are controlling (with, of course, no mention of the lack of common courtesy of a phone call for standing you up).

He talks about his past girlfriends turning into bitches. Talking about what a nag she was, or that she was awful and how great you are, and how glad he is that you aren’t like her. How they had such volatile fights it was crazy. There is probably more than one woman in his past that he refers to in this way.

You start to get confused, you lose your centre of balance. You start to get upset. Maybe you have fights. He uses these as an excuse to go out with his friends even more; says its your fault, if you weren’t so miserable he’d want to spend more time with you. You begin to wonder what is so wrong with you that you can’t relax and just let things go along as they were.

You begin to question yourself. “Why am I so unhappy, he’s such a great guy and he’s with me. Why can’t I just relax and let him have some fun with his friends”. He starts to call you names. If you get upset about something he tells you that you are crazy. You suspect he’s with other women when he’s out but he says, “I love you, can’t you see that?” If you question him too much, your fights start to get a little extreme, maybe even physical. You think you are losing your mind, you love him so much, you are so connected. He gets you more than anyone else has. Why isn’t this working?

It’s not working because it will never work with him. He is controlling and he is abusive. You are mistaking what he presented to you in those first weeks with who he really is. He’s a good talker. Usually fairly handsome. He’s ‘bared his soul’ to you, told you things he’s never told to anyone else. He’s never felt this way before, nor have you.

The thing is….he does this all the time. You are NOT the first person he’s felt this with. You are NOT the first person he’s told this to. He has no idea how to have a real connection with anyone. What he DOES know how to do, is tell a woman exactly what she wants and needs to hear so that she will get hooked.

The connection you feel is often just because you are confused and stuck in ‘what was’ rather than ‘what is’. Your mind is what is connected. You are trying to make sense of things. You think he is ‘perfect’ and are trying to figure out how to get him back and make it work. The thing is, that you are not the first woman he’s done this to. There are others that are thinking and feeling the same things you are. They just came along before you. You will not be the last. He will be with another that he charms and then treats badly.

You are in love with the “potential” of the promises he made to you. Of the ideas he gave you, of the things he said. What you need to realize is that it was all a made up story in his mind. That’s it. That is where he gets his kicks. He may or may not be aware of what he’s doing, but the potential with this man is all that is ever there. He is incapable of truly feeling love. He can pretend for a little while but it goes no further than that. That’s it.

Think about it, do you really want to be hooked up with a guy that would call you those names? Really? What you really want is the guy back that he was in the beginning. I can tell you, that guy is NEVER coming back. Not for you. Only for the next unsuspecting woman that falls for him.

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  1. I love the phrase:

    “you are confused and stuck in ‘what was’ rather than ‘what is’”. This can be applied to any part of our life that we “want back” don’t you think?

    Thank you for this blog. Truth with clarity . . .


    • Tamara Hawk says:

      Nice to hear from you Jo, hope you are doing well.
      I agree, it can apply pretty much anywhere, ah, if only letting go of these things could be easier…..
      love Tamara

  2. Great post!

    I’m sure there will be women that recognize some or all of these points you made. Hopefully it will bring some awareness to their situations and they will be able to find courage to make the changes needed!


  3. This was a good piece of reading. I can see where the points were made and where they came from. For me, I will never chastise others for thier opinions. That said, back in 2003 we had a complete role reversal in our world, he, me, is the stay at home male and she works. I cannot say to much about how this particular topic stands up to what has happened around our home. I can say that the power, in the right hands, is not gender spasific. I know bones and bruises heal in time but mental anguish lingers on- and if I might add is the determining factor in just how long the relationship will last. If we hang around long enough we get to say good bye to an a** on his or hers deathbed. What kind of a future is that?

    • Tamara Hawk says:

      Hi Doug,
      I agree, it is not gender specific. At the time I wrote this post I had recently had many female clients in this position and being a female myself, I wrote it from a woman’s perspective.
      I hope you are, or were, able to extract yourself from your situation and begin your healing.
      Thank you for sharing a different perspective with us.


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