You need to stop riding your kids’ energetic coattails. It’s not helping them. This channel actually goes hand in hand with what I wrote yesterday. There is a trend happening where parents are living their life through their kids. This has always been a factor in some families, to some degree, but it is getting out of hand where more and more people are putting so much into their relationships with their kids that they aren’t living their own life.
Children need to be raised to learn how to make decisions. When they are young, it is your job to teach them and protect them, but you do not own them. They were not put on earth for the sole purpose of fulfilling YOUR life for you. If you teach them properly they will be very well equipped to deal with life on their own. If you teach them well, once they become adults you need to let them go if they want to go (or push them out of the nest if they don’t). Too many of you are raising your kids to be dependent on you as adults.
I am talking to a lot of people in their 20’s that are feeling badly about moving on or moving away from their parents. “It will crush my mom if I move out, or move to another part of the world”. IT SHOULDN’T BE LIKE THAT. I hate the word “should”, but really. Your adult children are ADULTS. They need to move out on their own, they need to be able to make their own decisions, get their own jobs, homes, families.
Empower !!
There’s another type of thing I hear from 20 somethings (and into the 30’s) that is even more disturbing. They say “I can’t do it on my own. My parents have always done everything for me and taken care of me. I can’t take care of myself”. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. A 30 year old! What are you thinking parents? This is so unfair to these young adults, they are completely disempowered and afraid of being adults its crazy.
Keeping them under your roof well into their 20’s or 30’s is NOT helping them. It is selfish. You are doing it for YOU not for them. You have “lost” yourself to the point that you don’t even know who you are without them, so you convince yourself that they NEED YOU. They can’t do it on their own. I have a news flash. YES THEY CAN. We all did it. We all lived through it.
All the challenges we had, getting hired, getting fired, finding our first apartment, deciding whether we needed a roommate, having relationships (with sleepovers), staying out all night, going to work with a hangover ~ think back to some of the experiences you had when you were first starting out. They all shaped who you are today. I wouldn’t trade my experiences in my early 20s for anything, it was so much fun! I made mistakes, ‘suffered’ unemployment, struggled to pay rent and buy groceries, partied, got in a bit of trouble (nothing serious or legal related), but here I am!!!
YOU ARE ROBBING YOUR ADULT KIDS OF THIS EXPERIENCE
Think hard about that. You aren’t doing it for them, you are doing it for you, and you need to stop it. They need some autonomy. If you have a huge home that has self contained suite that they can RENT FROM you that is different. While they are living there though, if they are an ADULT it is none of your business if they come home at night or what they do in their own home. If you cannot separate yourself from your kids enough to give them anatomy in their own space then maybe its best if they actually move AWAY for a while before they live in your suite.
Family is very important and there is not a problem with separate families living under the same roof or on the same property. I would do that myself, space permitting. It can be very supportive to have multiple generations living together, sharing bills, taking care of elders, and elders taking care of younger generations.
The problem occurs when you keep your adult child around so that you can still ‘keep an eye on them’ because they cannot do it themselves, and you think they still need parenting. If they are old enough to drink and vote, they are old enough to take care of themselves. When you do this you create a DEPENDENCE.
We have a generation of young people who cannot cope. I talk to so many of them it can be pretty sad. They have no imagination, they feel entitled to have a nice car or a lot of ‘stuff’ because mommy and daddy are paying their rent and food. I don’t care if you can’t afford it or not, it is disempowering to them (and to you). That is why so many of them are broke or in debt. Many of you are broke or in debt because you are ‘taking care’ of your ‘kids’ when they should have left the house years ago.
Stop blaming ‘the economy’. It absolutely can be harder to live on your own as a young adult now if you are working for minimum wage. However, there are numerous opportunities to make really good money whether you have an education or not.
If you tell them that there are endless possibilities they will go out and look for them! If you tell them there are ‘less opportunities for young people these days’, they will give up and stop looking before they start.
The main key here is resourcefulness. Why is it that some ‘kids’ make their first million by the time they are 17, and others sit in their parents basement working for minimum wage until they are 37 (or until the parents die)?
It is all about WHAT YOU HAVE TOLD THEM. If you disempower them for your own selfish needs, they will stay with you. Congratulations, you never have to live your own life, you can live through someone else forever.
If you have told them “you can do it, you are smart, resourceful, and are an adult, have fun”, guess what they will do? Yes, you will have to go through the discomfort of letting your babies fly the nest, but really humans have been doing it for eons and survived.
There is also an “energy” dynamic here. When you do this TO YOUR KIDS (its certainly not FOR them), you attach unhealthy energy cords to them. Essentially it is like having an etheric cord to them, but in this case you are TAKING energy from them. Riding their coattails (like I wrote above). They cannot move forward unhindered because the etheric cord you have attached to them weighs them down. Every time they try and take a step away, the energy cord YOU attached to them takes a part of their energy (as if you are a ‘psychic vampire’). They try and step away and get blocked and they don’t know why. Things happen that stall their progress and they get nervous about (or second guess) their next step. Your etheric cords that you created can cause this.
I wrote a few years ago about the need to cut energy cords to your parents. Now I am writing about the need for you parents to cut the energy cords to your kids. Love energy never goes away, but the disempowering vampirism needs to stop. So try this meditation, cut the cords to your kids (then adjust your thoughts and actions accordingly), and let them fly. I think they will surprise you!
CASE STUDIES ON LETTING GO OF ADULT CHILDREN
- When I was 16 I quit school. My mom said “go back to school or get your own place”. Guess what? I went back to school.
- When I was 17 I moved out because I didn’t like the rules. Guess what? I lasted 3 months then realized how good I had it and moved back home and focused more on school (school was easy compared to working to pay rent).
- A woman I know has a daughter that quit school. She is now being very disrespectful at home and says she hates where they are living (they had to move because mom couldn’t afford the house she was in). The daughter is now 18. She works but pays no rent or bills even though her mom is struggling to make ends meet. There’s a solution to this and it is really easy. Let the daughter go and be the adult she wants to be. She might flounder a bit, she might flourish, she might come crawling back home. The specifics of what happens next doesn’t matter as near as much as to how much her growth will be stunted if she is allowed to continue to act like a spoiled entitled brat.
- A client has a son who is 19 and sits in the basement playing video games all day. Drinks to excess on the weekends and does not contribute at home. They are not rich by any means, but they are actually considering buying a bigger property that THEY CANNOT AFFORD, in order to let their son stay disempowered and living like a mushroom in the basement. The biggest favour they could do for him is empower him to GET OUT, or contribute.
- Another client called me because her son who is in his LATE 20’s is thinking of moving to a different country and she is devastated. She has other sons as well but cannot fathom what it will be like to let him go and live his own life. To her credit, she connected with me to learn how to deal with it, let him go and live her own life (as opposed to asking me how to get him to stay). She WANTS to let him flourish and is working on her own life to allow that to happen in the most positive way.
- I have another client that is a 24 year old WOMAN (not an “adult child”). She’s moved out of her parents’ house and is on her own but she admittedly says she was “treated like a china princess” and was never taught what to do to get by as an adult. She is now in deeply in debt and is very lost on where to go next or how to support herself (financially and emotionally).
There are so many ways for this to manifest in our lives. Let your kids grow up, be adults and prove to themselves that they can do it! Let them live the life they came here to live!
If you need someone to help you look at your life from a fresh perspective and help you navigate changes in your life, to see if the changes you are considering are supported by Spirit, a psychic reading can help. You can contact me here.
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Since I left at 18 and don’t have children, I don’t have any direct experience.
However, as a former teacher, I certainly saw this…can be heartbreaking for sure.
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Tamara!
Thank you Sharyn
Hi Tamara, I agree on all of what you mentioned in your post. It reminded me of a neighbor I knew once when growing up. She had a son that was living there for the longest time and he was in his thirties. Her husband had died 2 or 3 years before that and she is afraid of being alone. He paid no rent either. When she died he was so lost because she did everything for him.
Great topic Tamara